I’m 6′ 4″, I wear size 17 shoes and I weigh around 380 pounds. I go through my life trying to look as harmless as possible. When I was young I didn’t fit in… I was weird and misunderstood, and because of that I was bullied a lot growing up, and I think I chose to grow big so I wouldn’t be hurt anymore.
Once that happened, I decided that I would never make someone else feel bad about themselves because of me, because I knew how it felt to be on the receiving end. So I learned how to look harmless… that’s a really hard thing to do when you’re my size, but I do it every day.
I recently went to an event where I learned how to tell my story to people on stage. I was revealing all my vulnerabilities and parts of myself I didn’t like, and owning them in front of everyone. I was telling a story that was personal to me, and I felt a kind of power in that vulnerability, like a groundedness and a sense of purpose.
I’ve always tried to avoid feeling vulnerable, but now I’m feeling like that’s when I’m the most ‘me.’ I’ve spent so much of my life making assumptions about how others think of me and apologizing for who I am, that I never really saw what was good in acknowledging those facets of myself… only once I’ve seen myself for what I am can I possibly see what I can become.
There’s a lot of good that can come from being a big guy, and I’m only now starting to see how amazingly powerful being vulnerable, standing in my truth, and not apologizing for being me can be.
I’m learning that there’s nothing to apologize for!